Dear Dr. Schwartz,
I probably should’ve reached out to you two weeks ago. When I realized that it was my turn to host Thanksgiving dinner and that my spouse and I were both inviting extended families to the table, I started to get really nervous about the whole thing. Let me explain: both of us have wonderful families but both sides tend to have very strong opinions about pretty much every topic under the sun. We each have family members whom if one were to argue that it was daytime, another would set out to prove it was night. When I think about being with just ONE family, I know I’m in for a tall order but the 2 together, in my mind, is a recipe for DISASTER. I’m afraid of the disagreements, the yelling and the hurt feelings and do not want to have my hosting go down in family history as “the worst holiday meal EVER!” I’m on edge when I think about it, I have a rapid heartbeat and sweat and disturbed sleep ( not to mention nightmares) because of it and think I am feeding my anxiety to my spouse as well. Do you have any suggestions or tips that I might use to help me deal with my stress? (and do you have any tips for handling the conversation at thanksgiving dinner?)
Thanks in advance,
Stressed Because of the (potential) mess
Hi “Stressed”:
In our last post, we discussed the pre-game anxiety and I hope you found the stress reduction techniques helpful. In this second post, Let’s share some ideas about how to handle conversations with strong and opposing positions:
As host, you might think you are a cable TV news host. You are not. However, you ARE the hosting member of both families and you have a right to assert “the rules of the home.” Some of these might include:
1. Set the Tone Early: Emphasize Respect
I like to use the Rabbis of the Talmud as a model for constructive conversation. Frankly in the 2711 pages of the Babylonian Talmud, there are VERY few that do not contain extensive debate. Sometimes the conversations are fierce. However, the Talmud notes that they always engaged in their debates with respect. At your table, before diving into any potentially contentious topics, it's important to set the tone of the conversation. You might say something like, "We all have different perspectives, and that’s what makes these discussions valuable. Let’s make sure we listen as much as we speak." This reminder encourages a civil atmosphere.
2. Set Boundaries When Necessary
If a conversation veers into uncomfortable or overly contentious territory, it’s okay to set boundaries. Even the Rabbis in the Talmud would change conversation if the discourse was getting too heated or would not be understood (See Avoda Zara 29b). You too, can politely, but firmly, steer the conversation toward safer ground. You might say, "I can tell this topic is really important to you, but I’d prefer we keep things lighthearted today. Let’s save this for another time." By doing this, you protect the integrity of the gathering and redirect everyone to the main purpose of gathering.
3. Acknowledge Common Ground (After all, it is a GATHERING not a DIVIDING)
While the differences in Talmudic debate can be as different as night and day, the Rabbis of the Talmud emphasized that in the end they shared a common goal of love for one another and of truth. It generated mutual respect and calm. At your meal too, it’s important to find areas where everyone can agree, even if the topics being discussed are otherwise divisive. Finding common ground helps build connections and reminds everyone that, despite differences, there are shared values and goals. For instance, "While we may disagree on this issue, I think we can all agree that we want what's best for the future of our community." These moments of agreement keep the conversation positive and collaborative.
4. Embrace Curiosity Over Confrontation
The Rabbis of the Talmud rarely seem to be making their goal about being right. They really seem to be more interested in understanding different opinions and why they differ from their own. In fact, we even find Rabbis in Talmudic debates defending the position that opposes their own. We can do the same. Instead of focusing on winning an argument, approach the conversation with curiosity. Ask questions to better understand the other person’s viewpoint. You could say, "I’m curious, what led you to think that way?" or "Can you help me understand your perspective more?" This demonstrates that you’re not dismissing their opinion but genuinely interested in hearing their reasoning. Curiosity fosters respect and creates a sense of understanding by the other side. The more desire for mutual understanding is, the less likely that conversation will escalate into a conflict.
6. Know When to Agree to Disagree
The Rabbis often end their debates without a TKO (technical knockout). There is a point in conversation where the rabbis have exhausted their positions and it is time to move on. Similarly, sometimes, no matter how respectful and engaged you are, agreement may not be possible. It’s important to recognize when to gracefully step back and say, "I think we’re at an impasse here, and that’s okay." Shifting focus to another topic or simply acknowledging that differing opinions are part of a diverse society can bring peace to a tense situation.
7. End on a Positive Note
Finally, aim to close any sensitive discussions on a positive note. Whether it’s by recalling a shared memory, highlighting a point of agreement, or simply expressing gratitude for the conversation, ending on a good note can help preserve relationships and the spirit of the holiday. A simple, "I’m glad we could talk about this, and I appreciate hearing your perspective" can go a long way.
A little Talmudic wisdom, and assertiveness on your part, can go a long way in making your thanksgiving (or any family ) gathering one that will create an environment that will be memorable as one of the best ones in your family. Best of luck and enjoy!
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