Dear Dr. Schwartz,
I probably should’ve reached out to you two weeks ago. When I realized that it was my turn to host Thanksgiving dinner and that my spouse and I were both inviting extended families to the table, I started to get really nervous about the whole thing. Let me explain: both of us have wonderful families but both sides tend to have very strong opinions about pretty much every topic under the sun. We each have family members whom if one were to argue that it was daytime, another would set out to prove it was night. When I think about being with just ONE family, I know I’m in for a tall order but the 2 together, in my mind, is a recipe for DISASTER. I’m afraid of the disagreements, the yelling and the hurt feelings and do not want to have my hosting go down in family history as “the worst holiday meal EVER!” I’m on edge when I think about it, I have a rapid heartbeat and sweat and disturbed sleep ( not to mention nightmares) because of it and think I am feeding my anxiety to my spouse as well. Do you have any suggestions or tips that I might use to help me deal with my stress? (and do you have any tips for handling the conversation at thanksgiving dinner?)
Thanks in advance,
Stressed Because of the (potential) mess
Hi “Stressed”:
I’m pretty sure that yours is not a unique situation. However, when we take apart your situation, we can develop a great plan to handle the next few days and the next few months of holidays:
Anticipatory anxiety: Pre-gaming doesn’t work
One of the big things that anxiety likes to do is to create an image of complete and total disaster for you placed in the future. We call this Anticipatory anxiety or the anticipation of disaster. Your anxious brain creates the picture and tries to convince you that you need to respond right away. Your body readies itself for an emergency (we call this Fight-Flight or Flee response) which it does not see immediately and needs to discharge. That energy burst with no need to properly place it – gets labeled by your brain as anxiety and it causes some of the physiological symptoms you were discussing.
At the same time, your brain goes into emergency preparation mode. Like army intelligence, preparing for every maneuver shifting through many different scenarios and making sure you are “ready” for any situation that “could happen” “Maybe.” Invariably, since the situations do not exist and you try to calm yourself, your anxiety center for the brain will respond with another scenario that begins “ok, but what if..” At some point, trying to anticipate everything will leave you feeling underprepared and anxious.
So, my first reminder to you is – Stop anticipating.
That’s right. Stop listening to situations that are not present-based. LABEL the future thoughts as anxiety and remind yourself that you will deal with them when they are no longer anxiety in the future but rather present issues to be dealt with. It will help with the separation of anxiety thinking from practical planning.
That doesn’t mean that you cannot go to the store and buy ingredients and groceries today for Thanksgiving. It means that any non-concrete solution for an issue relevant today with a practical step for today, should be labeled as anxiety and we can approach it as such – instead of trying to solve that which is not yet a problem and might not ever be.
The holiday season is a time for joy, connection, and celebration, but it can also bring together a variety of perspectives. Whether it’s differing political opinions, cultural beliefs, or personal values, conversations around the dinner table can sometimes get heated. However, with the right approach, these discussions can be not only respectful but enriching. If you’re bracing for strong conversations with diverse viewpoints this holiday season, here are some helpful tips to ensure the atmosphere remains pleasant and productive.
At the same time there may be a few tips that you might find helpful here:
1. Create a Relaxed Atmosphere
With all the planning, cooking, and last-minute tasks, it's easy for anxiety to flare. To combat this, create a relaxing atmosphere both before and during the meal. Consider playing soft background music to set a calm tone, or light candles to create a cozy ambiance. A little bit of humor, and some teamwork and encouragement between you and your spouse can also ease any nervousness or anxiety.
2. Avoid the Pressure to Be Perfect
You noted that you were worried that you didn’t want Thanksgiving in your home to be labeled “the worst ever”. Avoid the pressure to be perfect. A wise and somewhat affluent individual told me before my wedding that I shouldn’t worry because he had two bits of advice for me a) That something at my wedding would go wrong and b) that as long as my wife and I rolled with it no one would even notice. Keep that advice for yourself. If you change your goal from “perfect” to “excellent” you leave room for everyone including yourself, to have a great time.
3. Delegate Tasks
Rather than bearing the full weight of hosting duties, consider delegating tasks to others. Ask for help with meal preparation, setting the table, or even clean-up afterward. Not only does this relieve pressure, but it also fosters a sense of shared responsibility. When everyone pitches in, the event becomes less about perfection and more about collaboration and enjoyment.
4. Take a Break When Needed
If you feel the tension rising, it’s okay to take a brief pause. Step away from the preparations for short periods and on Thanksgiving, feel free to step away from the table, take a few deep breaths, or go outside for a short walk. Sometimes, a moment of space can help defuse heightened emotions and levels of anxiety and allow you to return to the preparation tasks with a clearer head. PLEASE remember to share that with your spouse too. Everyone works better with a clearer mindset.
I’ll share some tips with you for the meal too in an upcoming Blog post…probably later today – after I too, get up to stretch 😊
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